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One crappy October morning, I was sitting at my desk in the production office for the film I was working on (pretending to be busy), when I opened a link from a friend to an Ok Cupid blog.
The dating site, which I’d been on forever, had collected internal data on how much a user’s race affected the response rate she’d get after making the first contact.
When I read the results, all I could think was: Everybody hates black women! I remember looking around at the people in my all-white department and thinking, My God, no matter what I do to try to meet someone, at the end of the day, the main thing people see is that I’m black.
Their chart made it painfully clear: When a woman on the site sends a message, her likelihood of getting a response is much higher if she’s any race but black. The data made me feel hopeless about finding a partner.
So I started going to bars frequented by black folks, and I briefly tried clicking the “only African American” box on dating sites before deciding to have no race settings (the first person I went out with after I started this process was Asian).
I’ve felt we could relate in ways I couldn’t with a white partner. After hundreds of years of social conditioning, the same way the brain says “hot, don’t touch” when it sees fire, it may say “not for me” when presented with a potential partner of another race.) I’m not saying you have to make a solemn resolution to date a person outside your race this year; I’m justsaying you should stop assuming you won’t. When things don’t work out now, I try not to get defeated by that Ok Cupid data: Instead I tell myself that I’m not looking for those dudes who rate black women poorly. When I do, I will have made that choice from a fully formed place, and I’ll be with my partner because I truly love him or her, not because I don’t love myself.Do dating apps work better than traditional online dating?We should judge it from different prospective,therefore,it’s hard to decide which one is better,it is up to what you are looking for,what are users looking for . I was stuck in traffic on the Long Island Expressway, listening to , when I had “the moment.” It was 2014, and the video of Eric Garner dying in Staten Island after a police choke hold had just surfaced. That was a big deal for me—and it was the moment I realized how much I do have in common with people of color.All of these people were calling in to say that Garner had been breaking the law, he was resisting, the police officer was right to do what he did. And if I believed the police should judge each situation free of bias, then I had to look at my own dating decisions that way too.